Painting Bird Ladies
A couple of weeks ago, my parents came to visit for Myla’s birthday. While they were here, we did some Austin sightseeing, and found some fun, off-the-wall places to visit…one of them being Graffiti Park–The Hope Outdoor Gallery. Hope (Helping Other People Everywhere) was started in 2011 with help from street artist Shepard Fairy (see the Obey Crew hanging artwork at the gallery launch), as a place for artists to display large-scale murals and positive messages. It’s private property, so you have to obtain a paint pass (and if you’re really geeky like me, you speak with the owner about what you plan to paint and if it’s okay).
So a couple of weeks later (and after getting the OK), we showed up that morning paints in hand, blanket ready, ice cold water on stand-by, ready to paint a small mural in a very small spot. I mostly just wanted Myla to have the experience, and I wanted to leave something little and lovely on the wall.
Well, remember that bit about getting permission? Most street artists don’t do that. People assume that if it’s outdoors, it’s open to everyone. So it goes to figure that on that morning, we were asked if we wouldn’t mind covering a very disappointing piece of “inappropriate” and most unwelcome graffiti that appeared to have been placed there just the night before. Remember that bit about “positive messages?” Maybe you can tell from our start that the piece we were covering wasn’t so much “positive” as it was just plain ol’ juvenile. Even Myla said it best: “They snuck in here to paint, and all they painted was a giant penis?” Pretty lame. But it was a good chance to explain a little bit about why stupid people do stupid things….
It was hot outside. …Okay, maybe “hot” is too simple a word. I get hot when I work out. This was HUMID. And even “humid” can’t accurately describe the feeling of sitting full-on in a human-sized preheated oven. That’s Texas. So Myla took a lot of rest breaks, while I tried to finish my part as quickly as I could.
The idea was that we would each paint a head, and then switch up and paint the body for the others’ piece. When we finished our heads, we swapped places so we could each put a mockingbird body on the others’.
By this point, our skin was melting off of our bones, because someone left the central heating on full blast in outdoor Texas, I think. That, or it’s built directly on top of the lava beds of the fiery infernos of hell itself.
In any case, we quickly finished the bodies, and I roughly filled the background with a light blue, as quickly as I could before the heat evaporated the last of the moisture in my bones and made me faint from exhaustion. It turned out okay. Not as lovely as I’d have liked it if we had a cool day in the shade, but lovely nonetheless.
And just as we were about to pack up, a frozen yogurt truck pulled up to sell his wares. I would’ve gladly given him $20 for a milkshake to cool down my kid. (Thankfully, it was only a couple of bucks.)
I think one of the most difficult things for Myla to understand is that all the work we did painting those bird ladies, all the heat and sweat we spent out there, and they might not be there next time we visit. As you can see in the photo above, those Obey posters are long-gone, despite them being quite famous works of art. And I guess that’s a good thing? Or not? It’s at least reflective of the world around us. Good things get covered up. Bad things get covered up. People come around and do their best to make the world a little better. Everything you do leaves a little footprint stamp on the world. It’s up to you if you want to be soft and deep or jagged and destructive.
As another example, the EXACT area we were painting at the Hope Gallery used to be covered just a few short weeks ago (when my parents came to visit) with a cute little (large) baby goat head. And then a crudely-drawn penis. And then our crazy bird-ladies.
But that’s life, isn’t it? That bad stuff? It didn’t go away. It’s still there–we just covered it up with something that’s hopefully a little nicer. And sometimes the good things you do get erased and covered up. Which is why you have to keep putting good things out there into the world. And keep on putting good in the world. And keep on putting good in the world….<3
Sum-Sum-Summertime!
Well, the kid’s out of school, and summer break has begun!! I’m not exactly sure why people get so excited about this…for me, I have to admit it’s a bit stressful and exhausting.
I’m a work-at-home mom. My job is sitting in front of the computer, doing graphics work for MWR, designing posters and flyers and web ads for functions on the military post. And if our daughter’s home full time, this means I have to try to keep her busy and supervised, while also trying to give my job my full attention. Arg! It gets very stressful sometimes. And since she’s got some separation issues, she wants to make sure she’s never far from me at all times, and I’m okay with that.
But we have found some solutions! We’re doing summer day camp at a place that has wi-fi, so I can technically be in the building while still being able to work from my laptop. It takes a little effort, but everyone’s happy.
We’ve already had a pretty busy summer so far! We got a new pet rat to give Myla’s pet rat Skunk someone to play with. Her name is Doodle (the little one on the left), and she’s SUPER sweet. 🙂
We saved a baby bird from the middle of the road on our way back from the gym one day…She could fly a little, but the closest nests were above some storefronts, so I was afraid she’d wander back into the road. Instead, we put her in a nearby forested area, so she could find her family again and be safer.
We have been sending dinosaur packages to friends, and building a 2-foot tall robot (which was her big birthday gift this year, and we’re ALMOST done with her!) on the weekends…
During work time, Myla keeps busy with art projects…
After work, I squeeze in some doodle time while she does summer things (I do summer things, too, I just don’t last as long as her!)…
And at night time, I have a little time to watch a grownup movie on the couch and draw by myself for awhile…
I’ve also been keeping busy with a few commissions…
And Myla and I have some projects we’ll be working on together…We’re going to be painting a small mural for Hope Outdoor Gallery in Graffiti Park in Austin. We’ll be painting a prosthetic leg to contribute to the Painted Prosthetic Project to help military veterans. And we’re going to paint a pair of Vans for a show to raise money for help for families and research into rare children’s diseases. Yay for doing good things!
And Myla’s a Girl Scout, and just bridged from a young Daisy to a Brownie level! And since the Scouts are out for the summer, we’ll be working on a couple of art and nature projects to earn a couple of patches for her new Brownie vest on our own. We started things out this weekend by making a bee pond for our garden.
In the meantime, we both have decided to start collecting patches and pins on our own denim shirts. We each got a shirt, and have started collecting patches and pins from such places as Stay Home Club, Frog and Toad Press, and Spider Stitches Parlor. We especially loved the “Friend to Bugs” patch!
So that’s the start of our summer, and it’s already a busy one! Most importantly, my husband is supposed to return from deployment some time in July or August (you never know for sure with the military)! So we’ll be doing some fun things like chalking the driveway and making some signs for the house to celebrate him coming home.
So has summer started yet for you? How are you keeping busy this summer? What new projects are you working on?
Seven Years Good Luck
Well, May is nearly over, and it marks two significant events for us: the end of the school year, and Myla turning SEVEN.
So I thought it’d be fun to take a quick little look back for a moment, and appreciate some things…
Do you remember the wonderful little doodles we did when she was so young, that made their way all over different parts of the entire world?
Time has certainly changed both us and our art. We’re always growing, always changing, always creating.
Myla has grown to LOVE making things out of paper. Give her some scissors, paper, and tape, and she’ll get to work creating the most wonderful little three-dimensional paper sculptures you’ve ever seen from a kid…
She gets inspired by ideas, and creates things from her doodles. She’s inspired by people we know, people we meet, people we’ve learned about…
And still, one of our favorite things to do is to make art together. Just taking time with each other to share our ideas, draw things that makes us smile, or create little worlds with our imaginations…
I’ve introduced her to some of the artists I’ve become friends with, and they’ve shared their friendship with her. She’s talked to Lori about art blocks. And she sends packages to Mab and still talks about her–Mab painted one of the few images of us drawing together that I have, gave me the original in a necklace pendant, and put a sealed version in a locket for Myla. It’s one of her favorite things to wear, and something very dear to both of us.
And although we’ve had a great many adventures most of this past year, we’ve sadly done it all without her dad, who’s currently deployed overseas. Thankfully, watching Flat Myla on her European adventures and on his Blackhawk flights through the clouds has helped him seem a little closer to us.
So here’s hoping year seven will be just as creative and magical as age six! And from us to you, thank you for following our adventures! Share some smiles with your family, with your friends. Grab a pen and doodle with someone. And when you part, give them a big hug.
How to Draw for Real
Most of the time, our 6-year old is very happy with her art style. She draws as well as builds 3D sculpture creature things out of paper and tape. But the other day, she said, “I want to draw for REAL. Can you teach me?” I assumed she meant drawing realistically, since that’s what I was doing at the time she asked. “Can you show me step by step?” she asked. And so I did.
We started with the basics: simple football eyes, two comma shapes for the nostrils, and the bow of the top lip, the line of the mouth, and the curve of the bottom lip.
She added her own flairs, as she always does (like vampire teeth and a “knight’s helmet”), and then she stood back and took a look.
“It still doesn’t look real, like yours.”
I explained to her that it was a VERY good start, and better than a lot of people can do as an adult, but the details would come with time and with practice. The good news is, if you enjoy it, it doesn’t seem like hard work at all.
Anyone who draws will tell you that people often want to know the type of tool they use, the type of paper, the name brand of everything, they want to see a timelapse, they want detailed instructions on HOW you did it. Aside from general interest as an artist, I can tell you that stuff is NOT NEARLY as important as practice.
It sounds easy, doesn’t it? It takes time. Lots and lots of time. But if it’s something you enjoy doing, you’ll do it for the love of it, and the more you do it, the better you’ll get.
When you’re just starting as a kid, I think it’s perfectly okay to learn by copying a piece by another artist. Or copying a face from a magazine. Or by using the style of one of your favorite artists to make something of your own. As long as you don’t tell everyone it was YOUR original idea, it can be a good way to learn from people whose work you admire. From there, you can create your own work, your own drawings, and your own style.
And once you REALLY learn the basics, and really understand them well, you can unlearn them and create your own style! People ask me why the people I draw are so wonky-looking (I assume they mean that respectfully–haha!). They assume the variation in proportion is a choice I intentionally make while I draw. Like, “okay, now I’m going to make this eye bigger…” Actually, when I was in college, I took countless classes on proportion, and facial structure. We studied live models, and had to measure out the proportions of the face and body correctly. For me, there is something pleasant in perfected proportion, but once I learned it, I found I had much more fun when I just drew things as I saw them.
I often start with an eye, and then sort of guess-measure where everything goes from there, based on a reference photo I’m looking at. And because I’m not a computer, my proportions wind up a bit…askew. And I’ve learned that I enjoy that! It’s not an intentional distortion, it’s just me, and what happens when I don’t walk directly down the center of the road. And I enjoy it!
I’m often impressed at the technical perfection of people who can draw hyperrealism (where it looks EXACTLY like a photograph), but that style doesn’t sing to me nearly as much as wonky imperfection does.
And no matter WHAT tool you use, the only way you’ll get better at it is practicing, practicing, practicing, practicing, practicing, practicing, and PRACTICING. As I told our daughter, I’m STILL learning. There’s a ton out there for me to STILL learn. And I’ve got TONS of practice left to go. So as frustrating as it may be for our girl to not be able to draw “for real” after one lesson, I’ve reminded her that you can have all the lessons in the world and have the finest (or least expensive) art supplies, but it just takes practice. And the great thing is that if it’s something you’re into, practice is FUN.
Fun Little Nature Project
It’s been a busy week, trying to keep up with the world…sometimes it’s nice to just step away and do an easy, fun little thing with the kid.
My mother’s day weekend was spent with a large group of giggling Girl Scouts, on a Mother-Daughter Campout in the woods. (Please please, calm your envy…)
Even with the archery, horseback riding, and nature walks we did, if you asked Myla what her favorite part was, she’d tell you it was the nature project. She’s been asking me to do it again, and since our Texas days have cooled down for a couple of days, we were able to just go into our yard and have some fun. So I thought I’d share what we worked on, in case you’d like to give it a go yourself!
First step is to Pick some plants. You want to find things that have a variety of shapes and sizes and colors, but you want to make sure they’re fairly flat. You don’t need to go far; if you’ve got houseplants nearby, or have access to grass (unlike some Ohioans I’ve heard, who are currently covered in snow) and plants in your own yard, all you have to do is gather them up.
Next, you’ll need contact paper. I’m sure it’s cheaper sold in rolls, but I only happened to have self-laminating sheets on hand, which are admittedly a bit pricier. But they got more action with this project than they’ve seen in a while, so I didn’t mind.
With your gathered plants nearby, unpeel half of the sheet with the sticky side up, so you can start placing your plants where you want them, into whatever design you choose.
Since Myla’s more into building animals and creatures and things with faces, she went straight for making something adorably weird, even adding little bits of paper for the eyes, while I made a simple little mouse. Fun little tip: clover petals look like hearts. 🙂
Or you can go decorative, like my wonky little tree-shape below.
Myla moved on to making a rabbit from various plants, being very careful in properly laying them out how she wanted. With have the page exposed, when you feel finished, just unfold the other half and fold it over your piece to seal it up.
Once you’ve folded it over and sealed it up, cut around your piece, being sure to leave quite a lot of space around. Sometimes, it even helps to seal it twice, making sure all the edges or sealed, or air will get in, and your little creations will discolor and “turn rotten,” as Myla says.
And there you have it! Just a fun and easy little idea to make into bookmarks or punch holes to make a mobile to hang in a window. And a calm little happy project that nearly anyone of any age can do. So get out and spend some time in the sunshine (if you have it) and make some lovely little things with someone you love!
The Trouble With Foxes
This weekend found Myla scribbling on her paper in agonizing frustration. “I can’t draw foxes anymore!” she cried. She told me that she had been thinking of a new way to draw a fox face, and it just wasn’t coming out right, no matter what she did. She even tried going back to her old way of drawing foxes, and even THAT didn’t work. It brought her to absolute tears, and all I could do was hold her as she sobbed uncontrollably, pen clenched in her hand. It was the first time in her life she WANTED to create something that just didn’t work out. It was a new frustration that she had never experienced before.
Luckily, I’ve had this problem myself. Most artists have. I’ve written blog posts in the past about art block, but this is the first time it had ever happened to her.
“You’ve got a wonderful, creative mind,” I told her as she cried in my arms. “But the down side is that sometimes you’ll have a block. It’s usually when you’re trying something new. And you try and you try and it just doesn’t look right. So you try your old way, but your mind is already trying to figure out the new way, so you can’t go back. But as hard as it is, it’s actually a GOOD thing, because it means you’re getting ready for something new. And I promise you EVERY artist I know has had a block before.”
After talking to my friend Lori Nelson, who is a Brooklyn painter (who reassured Myla that it does, in fact, happen to every artist), I started thinking of what I do that works for me when I have an art block. But this time, I sort of gathered up a list to fit a kid’s speed. Maybe it’ll help someone you know. Maybe it’ll even give you some ideas for when art blocks hit you…
1. TAKE A STEP AWAY. Get out of the house for a bit. Go outside, take a walk around the block. Go to the zoo. Pet an animal. Get lost in the woods. Take a hike. Spend some time in nature to clear your head. Sometimes reconnecting with the world around you can settle a restless mind.
2. TRY A DIFFERENT MEDIUM. Whatever you usually do, switch it up a bit. Get some chalk out and chalk a sidewalk. Bake some cookies. Play an instrument. Sew something. This is a good time to try learning something new, like embroidery or sculpting. Mixing up your medium might give you a fresh perspective.
3. DO SOMETHING PHYSICAL. I cannot tell you how good physical activity is for a stressed-out mind. Go for a jog, take a long fast walk. Skate. Sweat. Take an aerobics class. Focus on something other than your art for awhile.
4. LOOK AT YOUR OLDER WORK. I keep a scrapbook full of my past work, and I take it out sometimes and look at what I’ve done in the past. It’s a good reminder when you’re beating yourself up and doubting your skills, that you’re NOT horrible. Remind yourself that you’re awesome.
5. DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Give someone a gift. Make them something. Draw them something. Help someone with their yard, or offer to watch their kid or pet for an evening. Focusing your energy outward is one way to avoid that internal downward spiral.
6. CREATE SOMETHING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Lori told me the way she gets out of a rut is to ask someone to “assign” her something. Working with another person or with someone else’s ideas helps your mind go places you wouldn’t normally go on your own. Nothing’s helped me more with that than the collaborations I’ve done with our daughter.
7. MAKE A MESS. Gasp! “WHAT?!? But messes are so…MESSY!” Messes are an awesome way to just let go of control for a bit. Just get the fingerpaints out, and go outside. Baking soda, vinegar, and food coloring are also good mess combos. Splash in the water. Splash in the mud. Do you realize how often we DON’T do that, now that we’re adults? Kids know that messes cleanse the soul. If messes freak you out, you should REALLY consider doing it. Get towels, get yukky clothes, and just prepare yourself to make a mess. Like my mom always said, “You’re washable.”
If ACTUAL messes are too much to bear, maybe try a little project Myla and I do, where we take turns messing up eachothers’ drawings. You each start out by drawing something simple, like a mouse. When it’s your turn, you draw something silly on the other person’s drawing. When it’s their turn, they draw something silly on yours. It’s a lot of fun, and good practice in letting go of control and expectations in your artwork.
8. DRAW ON YOURSELF. Grab those non-toxic, washable kid markers, and just doodle away. Or use a pen. Once in awhile isn’t going to kill you. Draw on eachother. Sometimes, the idea of drawing on something “forbidden” sparks something in your creative mind and makes it happy.
9. KEEP TRYING AND DON’T GIVE UP. Every now and then, test it out and see if it’s passed yet. If it hasn’t, keep going. Keep trying over and over, keep pounding your head against that sketchbook. If you have to make 100 bad drawings before the good one comes out, then you’d better get started now. When I told Myla this, she asked me, “But isn’t that a waste?” But nothing is a waste if you’re learning from it.
10. KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOR. You have to trust that if you can push through this art block, it’ll come back to you. It’s scary at first. You start to question your skills and abilities. But if it’s something that drives you, you can push through it. Keep your chin up, and don’t take it too seriously. Your art skill’ll come back when it’s good and ready, and it’ll probably bring you stories of the road, and some new souvenirs. And that’s a good thing.
So here’s to hoping the foxes come back.
Have you or your kids ever had a big block? What do you do when art blocks hit?
Awesome Art Day!
We’re at a countdown in school to the last day–and at our school, they’re doing an alphabet a day all the way until Z for Zip up and go home! The countdown started this past Wednesday with Awesome Art Day…and I was so happy to be asked by the teacher to help with a project!
At first, I considered a sort of collaborative project (which is what we have so much fun doing together), but the teacher asked if we could have it relate to ecosystems or nature in some way. So I thought it’d be fun for the kids to have a take-home, and with the help of ideas from artist friends, I drew out these little paper dolls, with the idea that they could create a predator and a prey.
I let Myla give it a try at home first–I had the pieces cut out for her, so all she had to was punch holes where she wanted them, and put in the little brads. Then, she could decorate and color them whichever way she liked.
So I cut out 20 pages of the creatures and pieces in the template above (WHEW!), and put them in individual baggies for each kid. I had decided to pre-punch holes in the bodies where legs & arms would be to save a little time, and brought my hole puncher in case they wanted more punches.
And it was so much fun! Their teacher had talked to them earlier in the day about predators and prey, so it was fun for them to create a creature and then a creature that gets eaten by it. I had them each open their baggies and start putting their creatures together, and I walked around, offering more punches and extra brads, asking them which creature was which.
The teacher brought out markers for them to color with, and a couple of them used construction paper to make extras to add on.
They had fun coming up with unusual creatures!
So if you’re looking for a fun little project to do, grab some brads at your local store’s office supply section, use a hole-punch, and feel free to download and cut out the critters from my template above. I’d love to see what you come up with!
Sometimes You’re the Boss
The other day, I was drawing a little doodle of Patsy from Monty Python’s Holy Grail, and thought it’d be funny to add a bunch of strange and silly things to the pack on his back. And then I had an even better idea: what if I asked everyone in Instagram what I should draw?
So I did. I asked everyone to give me their APPROPRIATE ideas (I didn’t want people trying to make me draw a bunch of butts or other inappropriate things), and this is what they suggested:
A black cat, goose, tungsten carbide drill bit, rabbit smoking a cigar, Myla, some swallows (both European and African) carrying a coconut, plenty of shrubbery, a severed arm, the Holy Grail, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, a small horse, hamster, elderberries, a whoopie cushion, dollhouse, spatula, a Dream Creeper, ladies undies, a rotary phone, a foot, bubble gun, sunflower, stamps, dead parrot in a cage, small llama, Camelot (it’s only a model) a waiter with a tray, flamenco dancers, and a rat that Myla drew. And, if you please, on the llama’s nose, a waffer-thin mint.
Then I painted it to clean it up a bit, and now Patsy looked like this…
Myla saw what I was drawing, and asked me what I was doing. I told her about how I let other people give me ideas, and she was fascinated, and asked if she could do it too. “It means you’d have to draw whatever people say,” I said. “I know,” she said seriously. “…Even if it’s something weird, you have to try and fit it in really tiny,” I said. “I know I can do it.” she said. So I asked Instagram again.
This time, the list included a quiddich ball, goblet, owl wearing earmuffs and Harry Potter’s glasses, eating hot Cheetos and wearing a time turner, buckbeak, bunny, niffler with gems, ferret holding cheese, motorcycle, quill, mice, Dobby with a sock, hermione’s cat Crookshanks wearing Luna’s glasses, Stonehenge, bowtruckle, birthday cake, gold, watch, oven mitt, lightening bolt, Voldemort, a crown of flowers, Harry, Ron, and Hermione, butterflies, spider, bird with babies in a nest, screaming mandrake, lollipop, a melty chocolate frog, his umbrella wand, a slug, baby Norbert hatched dragon blowing fire, Fang and Fluffy, magic wand, potion bottles, a magic wand, the monster guide book, keys, a golden snitch, dog bone treats, and Hogwarts.
And she was amazing–she drew EVERYTHING on the list. She had me look up references for the things she wasn’t familiar with, and made sure I crossed off every one of their suggestions. Near the end, there were a couple of really obscure things that I had considered just leaving off or drawing myself, but she looked at the list and pushed me on: “I want to get ALL of them, mom.” So I looked up the last obscure things, and she finished them up.
And here’s how her awesome Hagrid looked when he was done…
A few days later, I drew Gandalf, and thought it would be another fun opportunity to let people give me suggestions again. Myla doesn’t know Lord of the Rings. She did ask to do a few of the things, but mostly I did it solo.
I filled Gandalf’s beard with his pipe, Gollum with a flower hat, Saruman, popcorn, Lego bricks, Bruce Lee DVD set, a Hobbit (Frodo) as a bee next to a hive, an Easter basket, rusty old key ring, record player, loaf of bread, marble pouch, pencils, a tandem bike, horse and carriage, chocolate cake, a mockingbird, cat, jack o’lantern, Shadowfax, fireworks, Jean-Luc Picard, dragonfly, his moth friend, a dwarf, eagle, Radagast with his rabbit sleigh, dragon Smaug, a comb, an elven-hewn locket with a portrait of Galadriel, a lawn gnome, ent Treebeard, cave troll, po-tay-to, Orc, cards, spider, a pint of ale, hobbit hole, Gandalf the White’s brooch, a hedgehog, seashells, starfish, mousetrap, Malala, and Gumby, Legolas’ arrows, and the Hobbit book.
And here’s Gandalf, complete…
It’s really intimidating giving your artwork over to everybody, and letting them have control of what you draw. There’s this sort of nervous excitement when all these suggestions start coming in, and you wonder how you’re going to possibly do it, and what if it wasn’t such a good idea after all…
But it’s a good exercise in letting go and seeing what it turns into. In a way, it’s sort of the same lesson I learned when giving my sketchbook to Myla when she was 4 years old…sometimes it’s okay to give up that control. Sometimes when you are able do that, fun things can happen.
(I put these up as prints in my Society6 shop, if you’re interested: Patsy , Hagrid, Gandalf .)
Making Time For Mama
You’ve heard them before. Those judgemental mom-comments that get under your skin.
At soccer practice this past week, I heard a mom grumble snarkily under her breath that another mom spent all her time at practice just “playing on her phone” instead of watching her kid (this is at PRACTICE, mind you. Not a game). Meanwhile, that same mom’s kid was running all over, being obnoxious, distracting the other players from actually practicing.
Maybe we’re all a little guilty of feeling like we’re doing a better job than other moms. Maybe that’s because it’s a SUPER hard job.
But might it also be possible to consider that we’re all doing the best we can?
That mom playing on her phone while her daughter was at soccer practice also had a baby in tow. Maybe soccer practice was the first chance that mom’s had to breathe all day. Maybe she spends all day long with the kids, and would like a little adult interaction, even via facebook articles or pinterest pins. Maybe she’d like a half hour where she didn’t constantly have to be in her kid’s face.
That same judgemental mom probably looks at me, sitting on the sidelines at practice, listening to my headphones and drawing in my sketchbook, and most likely thinks about what an inattentive, horrible mom I am….not knowing how much time I actually SPEND with my daughter. Doesn’t consider the fact that I work from home and check every email on my phone, in case a late job request comes in. Doesn’t realize my husband’s deployed, and that staring at our daughter during practice actually DISTRACTS her from paying attention. (I know my kid, and I know that she doesn’t always NEED me up in her face.)
And that same judgemental mom, whose own kid was running around being wild, annoying, and obnoxious…it’s possible that maybe even SHE is doing the best she can, too.
I know I’m guilty of it. We all are. You put SO MUCH work into being a good parent that you get so frustrated when other parents seem to be doing a crappy job. I find myself thinking, “maybe your kid wouldn’t be so crazy if you’d actually give him discipline when he acted up instead of ignoring his bad behavior.” I think, “instead of saying “behave, behave, behave,” why don’t you actually DO something when your kid misbehaves?”
I realize it’s futile. There are a million ways to be a good parent, and a million ways to be a bad one.
So when I hear that snarky voice start to chatter in my head, I really try hard to change the conversation and understand that there may be another side of the story that I might not know. It’s really hard sometimes, but it does help a little.
And since when does being a good mom mean giving up everything you want to do? Looking at your phone for five minutes? Selfish. Going to the gym? Selfish. Going to see a grownup movie? Selfish. Putting on makeup or doing your hair? Selfish. We feel so guilty for doing anything for ourselves that we put ourselves last in everything, if we even get ourselves in there at all. It’s sort of expected. You’re supposed to drop everything and become this superhero of a creature called MOM.
Because of that pressure, I found myself taking care of everyone…except myself. Ask most moms, and they’ll tell you they do the same. My husband needed help studying for a test? I help. Baby is sick? I’m up all night. Kid has this activity or that dress-up day at school? I got it covered. Dogs need to go to the vet? Got it. Bill needs to get paid? I’m on it.
Not to mention I’m a work-at-home mom. I have a full-time job as a graphic artist. I’m so grateful for my job, and it has the same responsibilities that any job would.
I always say that every day is a challenge to keep the plates spinning…Letting ANY of the plates drop is NOT an option for me. I want to give a hundred percent to my job, my child’s well-being, my marriage, my husband’s well-being, my hobbies, my art, my pets, my bills, my house, my daughter’s activities.
How on earth is that humanly possible? I don’t know, but I nearly kill myself trying, and feel like a failure if any one of those plates starts to wobble. The LAST thing on earth I’ve got time for is myself, so I get the least attention. I get leftovers in all aspects of my life, if I even give myself anything at all.
So where does that leave me? 42 years old, overweight, used up, worn out, completely stretched to the limit, exhausted and stressed out. I have a preexisting back condition, which doesn’t help in the stress department, and it was making life absolutely miserable. Years of trying various injections and infusions had left me with an exhausted immune system and I was so tired of it. I thought if I could try to find a way to exercise, I could help strengthen my back WITHOUT medicine. I had faith in this, because my younger sister–who has the SAME back condition as me (ankylosing spondylitis / spondyloarthritis)–has avoided medications and has been doing nothing but exercising this past year, and has told me how much it’s helped.
I have learned, as a mom, how to make room for my artwork. Now it is time to make room for my health.
So now it is a priority. I don’t just WANT to exercise. I HAVE TO. I need to, to function for my daughter, for my family. I’ve heard the old airplane adage about putting on your airmask before your child’s, but it didn’t really click until now. I HAVE to take care of me. It’s no longer an afterthought, it’s a necessity. I am just as important as the bills. I’m just as important as the dogs.
Sound so stupidly simple, doesn’t it?
So I saw my rheumatologist again, who finally balanced me out on a pain medication that didn’t dope me all up, but at least dulled the constant pain so I could work out.
And then I joined a gym that has an adult-attended child care room (don’t EVEN get me started on how sorely lacking the Army is when it comes to child care and gym facilities, where my only options were a single room with some dusty old baby toys and a rusty old treadmill..UGH).
And thanks to the magic of being an only child, Myla LOVES to go to the child care room at the gym! Any chance to play with other kids is great by her, and she LOVES it. (I even offered to take her to the aquarium last weekend, and she said, “can we go to the gym instead?”)
So I go to the gym at lunchtime (while she’s at school) and I take a class (step aerobics, zumba, spin). I pick her up from school, and we go again, and I either do two miles on the treadmill and use the machines, or take another class. I’m getting about two hours a day at the gym! I haven’t done that since my Army days!
And let me tell you something: it feels SO GOOD. I’m taking care of me. I’m so much happier. I’m stronger. I feel better, I feel more positive, which is ONLY going to benefit our daughter, and our family. And from this side of it, I can look at that snarky mom who may be judging me and mentally say to her, “go ahead and TRY to say it to my face,” because I don’t care what she thinks. I know I am doing the best I can, and I’m doing a pretty darn good job.
And so are you, or you wouldn’t care.
I remember asking my mom when I was pregnant, “What if I’m not a good mom?” She told me that the fact that I was worried about it meant that I was going to be just fine. I remember hearing something similar on Freakonomics, where they did studies on whether or not reading a ton of parenting books actually made you a better parent, and the answer was this: the info in the books didn’t actually make you any better, but the fact that you were the type of parent that was trying to IMPROVE yourself by reading books made you a good parent.
So ignore those judgemental people. They obviously aren’t empathetic to your struggles, so their opinion doesn’t matter AT ALL. Do what you need to do to keep your boat afloat, to keep your train going, to keep your plates spinning. Don’t worry about what those people say; they have NO IDEA where you’re coming from. MAKE TIME FOR YOU. You are just as important as the laundry, and I guarantee the laundry will be there tomorrow.
Spend time with your kids, your family, your pets…but don’t forget to focus on yourself a little. Make room in your life to take care of YOU.. I promise you, it’s OKAY.
Actually, it’s more than okay…it’s NECESSARY.
Letting Your Weirdo Flag Fly
All my favorite people are weirdos.
When I was little, my sister and I were playing with my grandma, and we happily said, “Grandma, you’re so WEIRD!” She was mortified and a bit offended, til my mother explained, “in our family, being weird is a COMPLIMENT.”
Our daughter is overflowing with this magical, neverending waterfall of creative ideas. She grabs paper and tape and makes shoes, or helmets, or tails, or spaceships, or her own paper zoo, complete with three-dimensional animals. Her wheels are always turning, and as a person who constantly tries to keep up with all the creative ideas in my OWN head, it’s so amazing to witness and recognize in someone else.
The other day, I drew a little picture of her with a paper space helmet she made. She had made a paper space helmet for me too, and we took turns exploring a new planet in our living room.
Later, she added aliens in it, and told a little story about them. That she had come to a new planet. That there were aliens that looked like babies but that were adults. They were blue. One was in a spaceship, one was in love with her, and one said hi, as another peeked out of a crater. Another showed off his invention of springy shoes and hands.
We talked about what I could add, and later I showed her my doodle, which instantly brought an “AWWW!” when she saw the cute little big-eyed mouse-elephant-tapir-alien things in the background.
She gave me color suggestions, and asked me to please make sure I added a little light blue to the alien critters in the background.
One day during this process, she came home from a regular day at school saying,
“Mom, there was a kid at school that called me a weirdo. I think they meant it in a bad way, but I just said ‘thank you.'”
I absolutely couldn’t have been prouder. She didn’t get her feelings hurt. She didn’t say something mean back to be spiteful. She just happily said “thank you,” which was wonderful. I have been trying her whole life so far to prepare her for the cruelness of other people, even way back when she loved Batman and the other kids tried to tell her that “only boys played with superheroes.”
Listen, I get it…she likes weird things. She likes bug and bats and dinosaurs and Batman. She has a wild imagination and loves to pretend. She knows about sci-fi, and I do my best to answer any question she might possibly have about ANYTHING, and try to explain it to her in a way she can easily understand. Nothing is taboo (and believe me, she ASKS). People are most likely going to call her a weirdo. I’ve been expecting it, because I went through it myself firsthand. So I’ve made it a mission to point out to her that the most creative people around her, the most wonderful people, the most artistic friends we have, have ALL been called “weird” at some point or another.
“People are going to try to make you feel bad for being different. But different is GOOD,” I told her. She caught on quickly, and added in her own words, “sometimes people will try to point you a certain way. But instead of following their pointers, you can help CHANGE their pointers to point another way–the way YOU want to go.”
It can be hard sometimes, it might hurt your feelings sometimes, but that one thing that helps is try to find other weirdos. And if you can’t find other weirdos, try to let kids see how awesome your weirdness can be…
One day at the playground, inspired by “Secret of the Kells” (in which there was a girl character who was a shape-changing wolf-girl), she ran around to the other kids, saying “would you like to play werewolves with me?” The kids looked at her strangely. I’m sure their idea of “werewolf” was more the scary halloween type, and not the cute shape-shifting fairy girl-type. I started to worry that she’d get discouraged and feel bad, but I let her handle it. Cut to ten minutes later, though, and nearly EVERY KID on that playground was playing werewolves with her. She had them all going in a den (under the slide) to rest, and then coming back out into the “trees” (the monkeybars) to run around in the wild, meet with the other wolf packs, and chase prey. She wasn’t bossy or domineering. She just helped them find their inner weirdos.
Hopefully, this girl’s gonna be just fine.
I looked at the drawing we did again, and I realized I had drawn her holding a little banner flag,which made me think of when people say they’re letting their freak flag fly, which seems totally appropriate. Let your weirdo flag fly!
So I told her times might get rough sometimes, and people will try to hurt your feelings for being different, or make you feel bad, but you keep doing what you love doing, and you might even change someone else for the better. 
And so far–thank GOODNESS–she’s gotten the message: she’s a weirdo. And so am I. And maybe so are you. And you know what? That’s AWESOME. Because all the best people are.
busy mockingbird 